Abounding in Love

Part of the legacy that my father left me is an appreciation for language and a love of words.  He taught me early on to "look it up" in the dictionary!  The word "abound" came to my attention recently and has continued to remain in my consciousness.  "Abounding in love."  I looked it up in the dictionary.  Abound is to be plentiful in, be rich in;  teem with; be abundant in; to be great in amount.

Abound.  Without bounds; unlimited.  God abounds in love.  God's love is without limits.  God's love cannot be measured.  It is extravagant.  And we see God's abounding love in God's creation.  God did not create a single tree.  God created many trees.  God did not create one kind of vegetation.  God created many.  God did not create one species.  God created many.  And when God fashioned humankind, God made male and female.  And inherent in God's system of humans reproducing themselves, there is the possibility of infinite characteristics and personalities.

Why then would God desire us to become clones of each other?  Why, when it comes to ways of glorifying and recognizing God, would God suddenly become penurius and withholding?  All of nature is an extravaganza of God's abundant love and generosity.  God has created abundant ways of worshipping God.  Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and others.

God has asked of us only that we abound in love for God and for each other.  It is our failure to abound in love that has resulted in the travesty and suffering of this world.  God gave us a very great gift--the gift of freedom--the freedom to choose.  The freedom to love God--or not.  The freedom to love one another--or not.  And we so frequently abuse that freedom and fail to honor the gift and the Giver.  We are created in the image of God.  We have been given the power to create through the choices that we make.  In my Bible Study Group, I was introduced to the concept of the "inevitability of the word," meaning that once a word has been spoken, the  consequences are inevitable.  God "said"--and it was so.  We say--and it is so.  We need to exercise responsibility for this great power with which God has blessed us.  To exercise it cautiously.  And to excercise it in expressing abundant love to God and to all that God has made.

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.  David Hare

The spiritual life isn't a one-time event-- it's a life pattern, built layer by layer. It takes a while to build it. And it is never finished. Barbara Cawthorn Crafton.

The idea of a human life and a spiritual life existing simultaneously hasn't been an easy one to grasp. Most of my life has been focused on humanity. What shall I eat? Where will I live? What should I wear? And what will I be (when I grow up)? This world in which we live demands a great deal of time and attention. And having survived for nearly 77 years I am feeling that in a few years I will want to stop the world and get off!

I recognize that at some point I became aware of my own spiritual life as a separate entity. In the beginning, I related it to my church-going activities. Around forty to fifty years of age, I began to avidly read books of a spiritual or religious nature and day dreamed about going to a seminary. I also dreamed dreams at night that I learned were numinous dreams. My awareness during this period seemed to speed up. I nurtured myself with prayer and meditation and kept lengthy journals. When I retired from my career as a counselor I enjoyed being freed from the demands of working but found that I missed having something meaningful to do. I had good intentions of using my time to do all the projects that I hadn't had time to do and indulging my love of reading but my self-motivation was sabotaged by my tendency to procrastinate!  I didn't have a time table to keep me on track. 

After two years of retirement the phone rang and it was a friend of mine who had been ordained as a priest in the Episcopal church.  Her secretary had just quit and she asked me to take the job for three months while she looked for someone to take the job permanently.  I turned out to be the permanent replacement!  Eight years later I was still there and finally retired at age 75.  During that time, encouraged by my friend and priest, I joined a group preparing for ordination to the Diaconate.  I was chosen as a candidate for ordination and was thrilled.  However the National Convention was being held at the same time and for the first time limited Deacon's to a mandatory retirement age of 72.  I was 72.  I had a beautiful letter recommendng me and sometimes read it to remind me that I am of value, employed or not, age 77 and counting!

So now I am trying to live a meaningful human life and a meaningful spiritual life.  I have good moments and lots of laughter but there are times when I feel I have missed the boat and will regret it. 

Versions of Self

"Hard to learn that you are not, anymore, exactly who you have been, that you are not even who you think you are." Barbara Crafton

I tend to think of myself as being--well, myself, just an older version of myself.  Not able to do all the things that I once did.  Perhaps I have lived several versions of myself.  It seems easy to acknowledge that I am no longer a child, nor a teen, nor a married mother of four children.  My children are now 53, 51, 49, and 47!  I have 16 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren! And I was divorced from my husband and have lived 32 years as a single woman.  It seems likely that I have lived through many versions of myself.

I'm just not sure what version of myself I will be in the future.  I am  uncomfortably close to being an octogenarian!  When I review my life I am happy about most of it but sad about other times.  In retrospect I believe that I missed opportunities that would have led to bigger and better things.  I invested too much of myself in a tumultuous relationship after my divorce that didn't have a prayer of resulting in what I really wanted.  I do have regrets, but they cannot be undone.  They can only be acknowledged and learned from and not repeated.  Thank God, I believe that God loves all his children and that true repentance results in forgiveness.   

So now, all I have to do is determine who I will be in the present version of myself.  What will be my priorities as I grow older?  Surely there is part of who I was that is worth keeping!  What shall I let go or revise?  How much choice do I have?  Or is it something that just happens?

Friendship!

It is great to have friends when one is young, but indeed it is still more so when you are getting old. When we are young, friends are, like everything else, a matter of course. In the old days we know what it means to have them.  Evard Grieg

Betty, a good friend, and I drove down to Hingham, MA yesterday to visit another good friend, Jean, who is living at Lindon Ponds. After a trip to the bank, which Jean needed to take, we went to her apartment. We had time before lunch to catch up with all the news of our lives and the news of our children.  Then we went to the dining room and enjoyed lunch.  Jean served us dessert in her apartment and we discussed current news of the world, our mothers and the NYTimes Mother's Day contest describing your mother in six words, the experience of growing older, books we were reading, changes taking place in the church, and our participation in LIRA (Learning in Retirement Association).  We shared our mutual desire to learn as much as we could about the world in which we live and our deepening curiosity as we grow older.  It was a very pleasant day and we made plans to visit again.


I met Betty 30 years ago when I went to St. John's Episcopal Church.  She was the organist and choir director then and she invited me to join the choir and I did.  Several years later we met Jean when she and her husband joined the church.  Paul had been a Deacon and they had lived in India for several years.  After Paul died, Jean continued to invite friends to dinner and we watched a movie afterwards, usually a foreign film with subtitles.  Then on a trip to Portugal with one of her sons and his family, Jean fell and broke her leg.  It required a long convalescence and a new life-style, so she moved to Lindon Ponds.

Our conversation concluded with our thoughts on the value of friendships.  And we agreed that long-standing friendships were wonderful but that we had to make new friends as well since, sadly, we had reached an age when friends had begun to move away or to die.  A friend with whom we have shared so many experiences is warm and comforting but we need also to have younger friends to challenge us and with whom we can share new experiences.  While we live, we need to live fully and to seek new ways of doing things and not to give into doing things just because we have always done it that way!

A true friend is the gift of God, and he only who made hearts can untie them.  Robert South

"You're Only Old Once" by Dr. Seuss

I celebrated my 77th birthday on Easter Day, the only time that both will coincide in my life-time! According to the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer, "Easter Day is always the Sunday after the full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox on March 21, a date which is fixed in accordance with an ancient ecclesiastical computation, and which does not always correspond to the astronomical equinox." It has occured on April 24th once in 189 years!

It was especially significant for me since I share my birth date with two friends. The Rev. Karen Ann Campbell, a close friend for whom I worked for nine years, and her family invited me to join them for the day. We went to church and Karen preached a wonderful sermon, had lunch at a very lovely restaurant and then shared gifts and birthday cake at her home. It was a very joyous celebration! All my children and friends called me when I got home in the late afternoon and I felt very honored and loved! During the week I was invited to lunch twice by another two of my close friends to celebrate. The first took me to our favorite seafood restaurant, and the second, took me to a charming tea room with a collection of antiques where we enjoyed delicious food and browsing.

At age 77, how do I feel? I am aware that I am growing old! That my memory sometimes falters.That my motivation to make changes (like losing weight) is lost. That my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be. That three quarters of my life has been lived (maybe more!). That I tire more easily. That insomnia is becoming regular. That I cannot read as fast as I used to. That I cannot do all the things that used to give me so much pleasure.

I am aware that I'm on a slippery slope! But I am also aware that I'm "in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in!" (Dr. Seuss) And for today I'm grateful for the shape I'm in. I am still pretty adept at the computer and with a camera and a GPS has restored my comfort level with travel. I can handle a simple cell phone but I seem to be missing the gene all young people seem to have.

I am now three years from being an octogenarian! My father lived for 88 years and my mother for 86 years so odds are that I will live until 80 something. How do I feel about that? That will require another blog to discuss! When I was very young and survived rheumatic fever I always felt that I would have a healthy old age. Funny, the crazy ideas that you get! I am doing all the things that older adults are supposed to do to stay mentally alert and have "quality of life." I will just have to be the best I can be and wait and see!! It will be an interesting journey!

Look with mercy, O God our Father, on all whose increasing years bring them weakness, distress, or isolation, Provide for them homes of dignity and peace; give them understanding helpers, and the willingness to accept help; and, as their strength diminishes, increase their faith and their assurance of your love. This we ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Book of Common Prayer

God loves us too much to leave us alone!

“I don’t know how many of you watch the ‘reality’ TV shows,” the priest began her sermon. The theme of the sermon was “God loves you too much to leave you alone,” based on the scriptures for the second Sunday in Lent. She envisioned Sarah and Abraham, from the first reading, as contestants on a reality show.

At 100 (Abraham) and 90 (Sarah) years of age, God promises them the birth of a child and tells them that their offspring will be as numerous as the stars. Sarah laughs at the very thought of enjoying pleasure with Abraham again. God tells them to name the child Isaac. He makes a covenant with them, promising that they will be the grandparents of Kings and multitudes. This is the passage, one of my personal favorites, which led me to use the name of “Sarah” for this blog. It is about a very old woman who gives birth at a very advanced age. “God loves us too much to leave us alone.” There are many ways of “giving birth.” Nearly all endeavors lead to something new coming forth and being “born.”

The sermon went on to other “contestants” and the phrase, repeated several times, that God loves us too much to leave us alone, evoked many thoughts. The first being laughter and that I wasn’t at all sure that I wanted God to get involved! I just want to be left alone to do my thing, which nowadays includes too much TV time and napping. The last time I felt called by God to do something, led to a great disappointment and being told that I was “too old.” I haven’t yet resolved completely my profound sense of loss. Then two and a half years ago I had a stroke, reminding me that I am not in control.

I may not ever be called to do anything memorable. Perhaps God is calling me to do the best I can do in the circumstances in which I find myself. Perhaps God will continue to nudge me and perhaps I will continue to respond, “Who do you think you’re nudging?” But I think that the Reverend Karen Ann Campbell is right. God loves me too much to leave me alone.

I grow old, ever learning many things.

Solon

As I Grow Old

As I grow old I want to have a face etched with the experiences of my youth, my young adult years, my middle age and my old age. I want my face to reflect all the places I’ve been, all the things I’ve done, all the people I’ve known, all the smiles and tears of a lifetime. I don’t want to plump my face with botox and erase all the evidence of living. As if I’ve lived in an eternal state of youth, not having known the joys and sorrows of adulthood and the wisdom of age. I want my hands to reflect the diapers I’ve changed and the cookies I’ve baked and the laundry I’ve done. The hands I’ve held in love and the hands that have reached out to others. Age is not the end of life, it is the fulfillment of life. And all the signs of aging, some of which are not pleasant, are there to remind me of the life I’ve lived and the people I’ve loved. I want people to know that I’m 76. I don’t want them to exclaim, “How young you look!” I want them to notice the lines and see that I’m still living my life to the fullest. I want my history reflected in my face. Grow old with me! The best is yet to be, The last of life, for which the first was made: Our times are in his hand Who sayeth "a whole I plant, Youth shows but half; Trust God; see all nor be afraid." Robert Browning