Abounding in Love

Part of the legacy that my father left me is an appreciation for language and a love of words.  He taught me early on to "look it up" in the dictionary!  The word "abound" came to my attention recently and has continued to remain in my consciousness.  "Abounding in love."  I looked it up in the dictionary.  Abound is to be plentiful in, be rich in;  teem with; be abundant in; to be great in amount.

Abound.  Without bounds; unlimited.  God abounds in love.  God's love is without limits.  God's love cannot be measured.  It is extravagant.  And we see God's abounding love in God's creation.  God did not create a single tree.  God created many trees.  God did not create one kind of vegetation.  God created many.  God did not create one species.  God created many.  And when God fashioned humankind, God made male and female.  And inherent in God's system of humans reproducing themselves, there is the possibility of infinite characteristics and personalities.

Why then would God desire us to become clones of each other?  Why, when it comes to ways of glorifying and recognizing God, would God suddenly become penurius and withholding?  All of nature is an extravaganza of God's abundant love and generosity.  God has created abundant ways of worshipping God.  Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and others.

God has asked of us only that we abound in love for God and for each other.  It is our failure to abound in love that has resulted in the travesty and suffering of this world.  God gave us a very great gift--the gift of freedom--the freedom to choose.  The freedom to love God--or not.  The freedom to love one another--or not.  And we so frequently abuse that freedom and fail to honor the gift and the Giver.  We are created in the image of God.  We have been given the power to create through the choices that we make.  In my Bible Study Group, I was introduced to the concept of the "inevitability of the word," meaning that once a word has been spoken, the  consequences are inevitable.  God "said"--and it was so.  We say--and it is so.  We need to exercise responsibility for this great power with which God has blessed us.  To exercise it cautiously.  And to excercise it in expressing abundant love to God and to all that God has made.

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.  David Hare

The spiritual life isn't a one-time event-- it's a life pattern, built layer by layer. It takes a while to build it. And it is never finished. Barbara Cawthorn Crafton.

The idea of a human life and a spiritual life existing simultaneously hasn't been an easy one to grasp. Most of my life has been focused on humanity. What shall I eat? Where will I live? What should I wear? And what will I be (when I grow up)? This world in which we live demands a great deal of time and attention. And having survived for nearly 77 years I am feeling that in a few years I will want to stop the world and get off!

I recognize that at some point I became aware of my own spiritual life as a separate entity. In the beginning, I related it to my church-going activities. Around forty to fifty years of age, I began to avidly read books of a spiritual or religious nature and day dreamed about going to a seminary. I also dreamed dreams at night that I learned were numinous dreams. My awareness during this period seemed to speed up. I nurtured myself with prayer and meditation and kept lengthy journals. When I retired from my career as a counselor I enjoyed being freed from the demands of working but found that I missed having something meaningful to do. I had good intentions of using my time to do all the projects that I hadn't had time to do and indulging my love of reading but my self-motivation was sabotaged by my tendency to procrastinate!  I didn't have a time table to keep me on track. 

After two years of retirement the phone rang and it was a friend of mine who had been ordained as a priest in the Episcopal church.  Her secretary had just quit and she asked me to take the job for three months while she looked for someone to take the job permanently.  I turned out to be the permanent replacement!  Eight years later I was still there and finally retired at age 75.  During that time, encouraged by my friend and priest, I joined a group preparing for ordination to the Diaconate.  I was chosen as a candidate for ordination and was thrilled.  However the National Convention was being held at the same time and for the first time limited Deacon's to a mandatory retirement age of 72.  I was 72.  I had a beautiful letter recommendng me and sometimes read it to remind me that I am of value, employed or not, age 77 and counting!

So now I am trying to live a meaningful human life and a meaningful spiritual life.  I have good moments and lots of laughter but there are times when I feel I have missed the boat and will regret it. 

Versions of Self

"Hard to learn that you are not, anymore, exactly who you have been, that you are not even who you think you are." Barbara Crafton

I tend to think of myself as being--well, myself, just an older version of myself.  Not able to do all the things that I once did.  Perhaps I have lived several versions of myself.  It seems easy to acknowledge that I am no longer a child, nor a teen, nor a married mother of four children.  My children are now 53, 51, 49, and 47!  I have 16 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren! And I was divorced from my husband and have lived 32 years as a single woman.  It seems likely that I have lived through many versions of myself.

I'm just not sure what version of myself I will be in the future.  I am  uncomfortably close to being an octogenarian!  When I review my life I am happy about most of it but sad about other times.  In retrospect I believe that I missed opportunities that would have led to bigger and better things.  I invested too much of myself in a tumultuous relationship after my divorce that didn't have a prayer of resulting in what I really wanted.  I do have regrets, but they cannot be undone.  They can only be acknowledged and learned from and not repeated.  Thank God, I believe that God loves all his children and that true repentance results in forgiveness.   

So now, all I have to do is determine who I will be in the present version of myself.  What will be my priorities as I grow older?  Surely there is part of who I was that is worth keeping!  What shall I let go or revise?  How much choice do I have?  Or is it something that just happens?