Cancer and My Mother

My mother had breast cancer at the age of 70. I was 50 years old. She had her left breast and lymph nodes removed by a surgeon in Oklahoma City, who was known as "the best." He undoubtedly was, most of the time, but he wasn't for my mother. She had chosen not to have reconstructive surgery. She was a large breasted woman and chose to forego further surgery. Remember that, at the time, breast surgery was not as advanced as it is today.

I remember the moment when they wheeled her out of the room and my father and I left for the waiting room. I remember giving my mother a kiss and telling her I loved her. I was fearful that she might die and I knew that my father was terribly anxious. I do not remember her returning to her room afterwards. But she did return and the surgery was a mess. She had been mutilated and was in pain even after it had healed. He had left lumps and a jagged scar and had caused damage in the lymph nodes.
He apologized when confronted and said he would operate again at no further cost. My mother saw several doctors and was evaluated but she chose not to have further surgery. The consensus was that it could be improved aesthetically but the damage to the lymph nodes was probably permanent. She chose not to pursue any legal action even though she had been advised that she a had strong case. She suffered discomfort and pain the rest of her life.

My mother was a beautiful woman who was very talented and accomplished in many ways. She was a wonderful seamstress and made many of my clothes throughout my life, an "Arts & Crafts" aficionado, a formidable housekeeper, a very hospitable hostess, an Army wife extraordinaire! When her wounds healed, she took painting classes and discovered an amazing talent for painting.

At age 50 I could not empathize very well. As I have grown older I have come to understand what I did not understand then. I am sure that my mother was saddened by my failure to truly comfort her. I have learned one of life's great lessons, now that I am 78, that we are unable to fully understand an experience if we have not had the same experience our self! I am deeply sorry now, especially since I was an only child. I was not able to give her the loving support and empathetic understanding that she no doubt wanted and deserved.

Mother did not have another bout with cancer but she battled angry feelings until she died. And I have never resolved the feelings of guilt I had.


Rest eternal grant to her, O Lord;

And let light perpetual shine upon her.

May her soul, and the souls of all the departed,

through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen

Book of Common Prayer