What makes me sad?
The feeling that I have no meaningful purpose. When people ask, "How are you?" I respond with a lie. I say, "Fine! I'm feeling fine!" because I know that everyone wants me to be "Fine!" Only to my closest friends will I admit that I am not so fine. That I am feeling depressed and sad. The fact that I survived leukemia is a miracle and, if you are considered a miracle, you should be feeling "fine!"
There are after effects from having chemotherapy that are long lasting, some of which, you do not recover from. You suffer the effects for the rest of your life. I am most troubled by my loss of memory--some of which may come back with time. And some, I suspect, will not come back and I will have to cope with forgetting names and dates. I am learning to cope with a giant 15 X 21 inch wall calender to record all appointments, birthdays I want to remember, and all events to which I have committed myself. I have a black notebook in which I am writing all passwords to allow me access to my computer. And I am trying to recall names with every trick in the book! Four years ago I was struggling with the same problems as a result of a mild stroke. I have always loved to read and have been considered as a reasonably intelligent person who pursued knowledge by studying. To lose the ability to do so would be a great loss and I fear losing it.
Everything I do, I do slowly. Not on purpose. It just seems to take a long time to do anything. And I tire easily. Usually requiring an afternoon nap. Cooking for myself is no longer pleasant. It is just a necessity.
Transportation is a problem because I can only drive short distances and never at night. All my children are scattered, living in four states, which adds to the complexity.
I feel that God has granted me with a few extra years of life and that I am expected to do something. I don't know what that something is.
On top of it all, when I mention how I really feel (useless) I am ashamed because, anyway that I state the above, it sounds like whining and I feel ashamed of myself.
After all, I am the recipient of a miracle and those who receive a miracle should be ecstatically happy!
Heavenly Father, watch over your daughter, and grant that she may be restored to that perfect health which it is yours alone to give; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
Book of Common Prayer
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