Too much. Too soon.

In spite of having a good report yesterday, I am not so good. I awoke this morning and wanted to go to A.C.Moore to find the special yarn that was being knitted yesterday into a spiral of scarf. I was determined to go! I was sure they would have it in muted colors of purple and they did. For whatever unknown reason I am excited about the color purple this year. Ironic that the color has been adopted to raise awareness of leukemia and lymphoma. 


We didn't get started until late in the morning but drove to Salem after going to the bank and then sitting in a parking lot trying to orient myself on how to get there. My brain does not remember directions well and I am often confused. The Garmin was also rattled but after a few minutes of thinking clearly I remembered the route. 


We arrived around 11:00 o'clock and should have stopped at the Weathervane for lunch before shopping but I was excited about the yarn and wanted to see it.  The yarn was lovely and I bought two skeins. We spent quite a while browsing around, looking at patterns, planning projects.  


They had a sale on t-shirts so we bought purple t-shirts for sleeping and bought purple photo books for $1.00! We were having a good time. Then we wandered into the bead department and I began to feel tired. Very tired. I walked up to get in the check out line and suddenly knew I was in trouble. I called Cheryl for help and after a few seconds she recognized that I wasn't quite right. I left the basket and headed for the door with Cheryl close on my heels. My balance was very poor and my walking stick wasn't keeping me on course. 


We made it outside but I couldn't hold myself together to get to the car. Cheryl supported me under my arms and for a few seconds I don't remember anything. I slid to the walk and in a few seconds I was laying down and enjoying the breeze. A young woman had stopped to help. She was so very kind and said she had worked on an oncology ward. The paramedics were called, arrived and wanted to know if I had fallen, wanted to go to the hospital, and took my vital signs. They were young and very strong. I did not have the strength to get up on my own. However I was rational and when standing again I seemed to be OK. My blood pressure was low for me but not dangerously so and my blood sugar was normal. If my fever went up and I worsened I would go to Tufts immediately but I didn't think that Lawrence Hospital could help me.


The episode I had today was very frightening and humiliating. Being overcome by a physical condition is a total loss of control. I was embarrassed by my inability to control myself.  I have had two similar episodes where I was overcome by the circumstances and I felt utterly helpless. The first incident happened during my first consolidation. Fortunately I was able to recover myself because I made it to the car and rested there.


There is something incongruous about a 78 year old woman lying on the sidewalk outside a busy store unable to get up! I want so much to be healthy and well and capable of living a normal life.  I have been tired since Halloween. Please God, help me to be patient.